February 7, 2014
As many of you are probably aware, immigration is a hot button item in Washington right now. The issues of who gets to stay, who gets to come in and who has to leave all have their supporters and detractors, but I think a good way to bridge the gap on this contentious issue is to find some common ground. It doesn’t necessarily have to be something big, but sometimes the ability to agree on a little thing is what ultimately breaks a deadlock wide open. Having given this matter a great deal of thought—I’m a concerned citizen—I think that we can find enough people on both sides of the aisle to agree that we need to deport Justin Bieber. I can’t take credit for this idea since over 100,000 people have already sent a petition to the White House demanding action on this issue, so apparently I’m not alone in demanding that we return this obnoxious twerp “to sender”.
Let me state that I have nothing against Canadians in general. Heck, I married one. I love hockey, the tar sands and maple syrup but I think we can all agree—unless you’re a girl between the ages of about 10-15—that this guy has worn out his welcome. I realize that he’s just a kid, and I don’t believe that any of us would be models of appropriate behavior if we’d had the kind of money that he does at the same age, but to paraphrase Dean Wormer in Animal House, “short, drunk and stupid” is no way to go through life—and he seems pretty committed to making it a vocation.
While Bieber is still a young man, and there is every reason to hope that, like most of us, he ultimately puts his days of arrogant cluelessness behind him, let’s let him work out his issues on his home soil. After all, don’t we have enough self-absorbed celebrities without having to import them? Some of you may feel that his actions are just a “cry for help”, and you may be right, but I think that you have to draw the line on teenage angst when it’s regularly inflicted on innocent bystanders. For those of you who don’t like the idea of deportation, perhaps we could work out a trade with the Canadians. Bieber straight up for that mayor of Toronto would be interesting. That guy looks like loads of fun, and if you look at the quality of leadership in some of our major cities lately we could do a lot worse.
Another point in favor of sending this baggy panted canuck back to the great white north is that who is really going to miss him? The average tweenage girl is pretty fickle, my twelve year old daughter can’t stand him, so this guy was probably nearing the end of his 15 minutes anyway, and isn’t it painful when an entertainer hangs around long after their prime? Honestly, in 20 years where is Justin Bieber going to rank in the pantheon of musicians from the country that has given us the likes of Rush, The Guess Who, Neil Young—and for you younger readers out there, Drake? I don’t think “Baby” is going to be in heavy rotation on whatever your kid’s call their classic rock station in the future.
Personally, I see this whole deportation movement as a having a major upside for us. Sure it’s unfortunate when someone has to be a sacrificial lamb, but hasn’t this kid really earned it? If carting him off to Canada is the one thing our divided country can agree on, I think that would transcend a litany of otherwise forgettable music and boorish behavior. And so I say, goodbye Justin, we hardly knew ye’ and don’t let the door hit you on your underwear exposed butt on the way out.